Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ready_fire_aim's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 18th, 2005
2:15 pm	So apprently when I post from Portland nobody reads it? (20 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 17th, 2005
12:27 pm	Recap Okay, so as my mobility is coming back, my time at home by the computer is once again dwindling. Let me briefly recap life since Tuesday. Last week, my friend Allen came up for a visit. We did the touristy thing around Seattle, plus a few of my usual quirky side jaunts. Wed. night I performed my sit-up routine at the Hop vine Pub (not exactly the gayest nightspot in the city). It was really just sort of an open mic night. Most of the performers before me were not very good. Not many laughs were heard from the crowd, but every entertainer received a polite clap at the end of their routine. It's my turn. The audience is already basically bored. The hopes of delivering a first time monologue that would leave everyone in stitches does not look promising. So I roll on stage in my goofy little wheelchair and begin. "So, I had this guy's dick up my ass..." All eyes turned to the stage. Well, my ten minutes went on. I don't think they quite expected my homo-humor, but I got more laughs that the previous 'entertainers.' I didn't knock 'em dead, but I received many compliments afterward from the straights in the crowd. The MC didn't exactly know how to transition to the next entertainer, but it was all good. Whatever he said, it was a blur to me by that point, but I remember the phrase "balls of steal" was used. Whatever. I am what I am. No apologies. Thursday evening my dad came up from Portland to pick up some stuff from my mom's house. I went with him when he drove back down this morning. So I will be a Portland boy for the weekend (plus). I always enjoy myself down here, but I kinda would of preferred to stay in Seattle this weekend and get together with a new friend. ;-) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
3:11 pm	Happy Anniversary It has been one month since my accident. Since that time, I have pretty much put life on hold. Although I can't drive yet or even walk more than a few hundred feet, it's time to see what I can do to get back to life as usual. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 10th, 2005
11:04 am	What have I done?!?! Okay, so I agreed to do a stand-up routine at an open mic night this coming Wednesday...in a straight brewpub. My friends have been pushing me to try this for some time now and I finally caved in. All of a sudden I don't feel that funny. I just hope breeder boys like gay humor. I always thought my 15 minutes of fame would be for something a little more fabulous. Who knows, it may just be a rehersal for the real thing. I've never been particularly shy (read: attention whore), so I gotta try it. Well maybe not try it, I'll do it. To paraphrase Yoda, "Guys that 'try' go home alone. Guys that 'do'...fuck the prom king." (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
12:31 pm	Restaurant Ramblings Last night, Gary, Shane, and I went out to dinner. We ended up going to Assagio, a semi-swank, Itallian restaurant, followed by a trip to another fancy restaurant, 1200 Bistro, for dessert. I enjoyed the company but, as usual, those types of restaurants leaves me cold. I don't like fine dining establishments. The attitude is usually a bit too pretentious and hoity-toity, like the people dining there think they are somehow special and 'deserve' to be treated differently than the rest of humanity. The food is usually a little better than the 'lowbrow' restaurants I prefer, but not so much to justify the price. The portions are often smaller and the service is never much better, the waiters just memorize the specials instead of reading them off to you. Give me a hip, quirky, independent hole-in-the-wall where all people are welcome, somewhere with character in which the tattoo set, the artsies, the yuppie/guppies, and the non-caucasian patrons are all represented instead of a bunch of white tablecloths surrounded by the ubiquitous snooty, dress for success types any day. (19 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
3:32 pm	Starting Rehab I had my first physical therapy session today. During that time, I learned a handful of exercises to get some of the range of motion back in my wrist and ankle. It'll be a lot of work, especially for my wrist. I can't move it more than a few degrees in any direction right now. Now for the part I am really excited about. I can start using a cane and putting partial pressure on my right leg as long as it is in its restraining boot! I can only go short distances, but this still opens up a lot of new opportunities. Being stuck in a wheelchair is not only a pain for being transported around, but most "handicap accessible" places really aren't all that. I will be especially nice for just moving around my apartment. Up until now I have had to rely on a rolling office chair to get around and most of my doorways have big bumps that aren't that friendly (the wheelchair is too awkward for in-home use). On a slightly disappointing note, I talked w/ my lawyer today. Apparently the chick that hit me not only had minimum insurance coverage with a $25,000 maximum payout, she also has no real assets to go after. Well, after paying medical bill, copays, lawyers fees, etc., I might end up with enough 'pain and suffering' money left to buy a pizza. (21 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
5:10 pm	"Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters" I've mentioned this a bit before, but over the past year I have thought a lot about my life.  Since leaving the church, I have noticed that I still hold to many of the values I adopted there from an early age, but now, without any understanding of why.  Slowly but surely, I am coming around to forming a life of my own designing (as much as that is possible).  Since my accident, I have had even more time to ruminate on such things and even journal about a few. In the process, I have also examined myself in other areas.  What do I want out of life?  What do I want my life to be about?  What do *I* want to be about?  The results have been a bit surprising.  For a while now, I have found it interesting to ponder such questions and to dip into the philosophical, social, and political underpinnings of what they are all about.  In looking at the biographical backgounds of great thinkers and in discussing the above issues with likeminded people, I have often found that, in general, people that expend large amounts of mental energies on such topics all have different theories, meaning that hopes of finding the one true solution is rather slim.  More importantly though, I have found those who eagerly search for such answers to be rather disinteresting as people.  Many would rather read about life than live it. I enjoy reading.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy intellectual debate.  I enjoy keeping my brain active.   I also enjoy living.  I enjoy dressing up and painting the town.  I enjoy making an ass out of myself.  I enjoy travel and adventure, art and fashion.  I enjoy sex and 'immoderate' behavior.  I enjoy frolicing in the park with my dog Xadeau.  I enjoy creating things with my own two hands.  I enjoy laughing amongst friends 'til dawn.  I enjoy trying the next new, new thing. I guess it's all about balance.  Too bad I don't enjoy balance.  ( More ) Current Music: VNV Nation (3 Comments |Comment on this)
9:17 am	Politix I'm in much better spirits today. Thank you to all who responded to offer their encouragement over the weekend. I'm in kinda a politically smarmy mood right now, but since I realize that 'sound bites' get read more frequently than lengthy diatribes, I will offer up the following. Wasn't the U.S. Constitution constructed as a limitation on the government, not on private individuals? To my knowledge, it was not meant to prescribe the conduct of private individuals, only the conduct of the government...it is not a charter for government power, but a charter of the citizen's protection against the government. Is not unlimited majority rule just another instance of the principle of tyranny? (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
10:22 pm	The Blahs I think this week I finally reached the point where I feel like a burden. I normally hate to inconvenience people, but I have had no other choice this time. For the most part, I know that my true friends would be willing to help. And help they have. I have been very grateful for all their kindnesses. I feel like it’s getting more to the point that many of them are feeling the pinch for their efforts either in their work or personal time. As I look ahead to all the times my dog will need walking, the 3x a week physical therapy sessions, the upcoming legal and medical appointments, it all makes me feel like a big ol' millstone wrapped around the necks of anyone who comes too close to me. I don't know enough about what I should expect back from the legal settlement, so I don't feel comfortable hiring someone to help me out for the short term nor would I know where to start. I know this is all just an emotionally vulnerable phase I'm in right now and within a few days I'll probably be looking at things from a whole different perspective. But for today, it is what it is. Current Mood: depressed (17 Comments |Comment on this)
3:22 am	How Gay Is this? Okay, so, after getting my good news from the doctor today I decided to live it up a bit. Shane was going to accompany me to a few gallery openings tonight and then we were going to meet Michael and Gary and go out to a party at a loft downtown. I have not been out for any real fun since my accident, so I decided to go a little bit silly. I am still stuck in a wheelchair, so I had Shane take me by Target, etc. for a little shopping and assessorizing. I now have the coolest ride in town! It was such a hit tonight! First I attached two sets of multi-colored little plastic tubes around the spokes of my chair, the kind that make the sexy 'clickity-clack' noises when the wheels spin. Then I attached a little Hello Kitty metal bell onto my left armrest, streamers to the hand grips, and a plastic bicycle basket, with fake daisies on the front, to the back of the chair to hold my nessessaries. Of course such an ensemble also requires pinwheels that spin when I get up speed and a pair of pink flamingoes "just 'cuz". It is fabulous!!! I will post pictures soon. (And I'm sure my dad will love having to push me around in it when he comes up tomorrow to take me out for lunch, etc....hehehe). Okay, now I know what those of you reading this who have not met me are probably thinking, but, no, I am not a nelly, flaming, prissy little princess. The irony of the chair is probably the most amusing part. It is so not me that it's me. But anyways, the party was a lot of fun, I was great to get out and let my hair down again. Besides,I sure wasn't driving. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
1:44 pm	Medical Status Update Yesterday I met with my PCP and had him x-ray my right ribs and left foot to make sure nothing was fractured. They have been bothering me since the accident and I wanted to make sure nothing was a miss. Turns out they were fine. They just have bruised and inflamed tissue around the joints that should take care of themselves in a few more weeks. Today I went in for my follow up with the orthopedic surgeon. To my pleasant surprise, he removed the casts and stitches from my right leg and wrist. Removing the stitches wasn't as bad as I would have expected, but the incision in my wrist was a little longer than I had anticipated. It’s about 3 inches...so much for my career in wrist modeling. I guess in the future, people can see the scar on my wrist and feel compelled to swap suicide attempt stories. Oh joy. Now my leg is in a restraining boot-thing, but without a cast underneath. The doc gave me a soft removable splint for my wrist. I can take both off and submerge in a tub now. I am psyched! I still can't walk but he said I can put some weight on my leg. Pretty amazing recovery for such a short time period. I have to go to a physical therapist for both my leg and wrist for 3 times a week for 4 weeks. I will probably start that on Monday. About every other day I notice progress in my recovery. Today was a big step forward. (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
1:18 pm	Soul Food, part 3 This is the third, and final part of a three part post on my views of the soul and immortality. I suggest that if you haven't read the previous two posts that you start there before attempting this one. I know it's long, and I will be surprised if many read all three of these through to their completion, but again, I write these more for my own benefit than for others. Writing helps me solidify my thoughts. And as a journalism and English major, it is my blessing and my curse. Maybe tomorrow I will post something a bit lighter, hmmm, maybe something about shoes. But anyways, here goes part 3...I'll just continue where I left off yesterday. Some who profess to believe in immortality -- whether it be of the soul or body -- have drawn what comfort they could from the scientific doctrine of the indestructibility of matter and force. This doctrine, they say, only confirms in scientific language what they have always believed. To me, this explanation is a bit overly simplistic. It is probably true that no matter or force has ever been or ever can be destroyed. But it likewise seems true that there is no connection whatever between the notion that personal consciousness and memory persist after death and the scientific theory that matter and force are indestructible. For the scientific theory carries with it a corollary, that the forms of matter and energy are constantly changing through an endless cycle of new combinations. Of what possible use would it be, then, to have a consciousness that was immortal, but which, from the moment of death, was dispersed into new combinations, so that no two parts of the original identity could ever be reunited again? These natural processes of change, which in the human being take the forms of growth, disease, senility, death, and decay, are essentially the same as the processes by which a log is disintegrated in burning. One may watch the log burning in the fireplace until nothing but ashes remains. Part of the log goes up the chimney in the form of smoke; part of it radiates through the house as heat; the residue lies in the ashes at the bottom of the fireplace. So it is within human life. In all forms of life nature is engaged in combining, breaking down, and recombining her store of energy and matter into hew forms. The thing we call "life" is nothing other than a state of equilibrium which endures for a short span of years between the two opposing tendencies of nature -- the one that builds up, and the one that tears down. In old age, the tearing-down process has already gained the upper hand, and when death intervenes, the equilibrium is finally upset by the complete stoppage of the building-up process, so that nothing remains but complete disintegration. The energy thus released may be converted into grass or trees or animal life; or it may lie dormant until caught up again in the crucible of nature's laboratory. But whatever happens, the person -- the You and the I -- like the log that has been burned, is gone -- irrevocably dispersed. All the king's horses and all the king's men cannot restore it to its former unity. The idea that man is a being set apart, distinct from all the rest of nature, is born of man's emotions, of his loves and hates, of his hopes and fears, and of the primitive conceptions of undeveloped minds. The You and the I which is known to our friends does not consist of an immaterial something called a "soul" which cannot be conceived. We know perfectly well what we mean when we talk about this You and this Me: and it is equally plain that the whole fabric that makes up our separate personalities is destroyed, dispersed, disintegrated beyond repair by what we call "death." As a matter of fact, does anyone really believe in a future life? The faith does not simply involve the persistence of activity, but it has been stretched and magnified to mean a future world infinitely better than the earth. In this far-off land no troubles will harass the body or the soul. Eternity will be an eternity of bliss. Heaven, a land made much more delightful because of the union with which those who have gone before. This doctrine has been taught so persistently through the years that men and women of strong faith in their dying moments have seen relatives and friends, long since dead, who have come to lead them to their heavenly home. Does this conduct of the intense believer show that he or she really believes that death is a glad deliverance? Why do men and women who are suffering torture on earth seek to prolong their days of agony? Why do victims of cancer being slowly eaten alive for months and years prefer enduring such pain rather than going to a land of bliss? Why will the afflicted travel all over the world and be cut to pieces by inches that they may stay a few weeks longer, in agony and torture? The one answer that is made to this query is that the afflicted struggle to live because it is their duty to hang fast to mortal life, no matter what the pain or the expected joy in heaven. The answer is not true. The afflicted cling to life because they doubt their faith, and do not wish to let go of what they have, terrible as it is. Those who refuse to give up the idea of immortality declare that their nature never creates a desire without providing the means for its satisfaction. They likewise insist that all people, from the rudest to the most civilized, yearn for another life. As a matter of fact, nature creates many desires which she does not satisfy; most of the wishes of mankind meet no fruition. But nature does not create any emotion demanding a future life. The only yearning that the individual has is to keep on living -- which is a very different thing. This urge is found in every animal, in every plant. It is simply the momentum of a living structure. What we long for is a continuation of our present state of existence, not an uncertain reincarnation in a mysterious world of which we know nothing. The idea of another life is created after men are convinced that this life ends. I grew up as a devout protestant and was convinced by my beliefs that the soul and an eternal life existed for us all. Even after I left the church, these beliefs held sway over my thoughts and actions. I am not unmindful of those who base their hope of a future life on what they claim are the evidences furnished by the investigation of spiritualism. So far as having any prejudice against this doctrine, I have no more desire to disbelieve than I have as to any other theories of a future life. I have searched for evidence that a person still lives after all our senses show that they are dead. I have investigated what are called spiritual phenomena as well as the paranormal. I am satisfied that if any intelligent person thoroughly investigates these, they will find that there no evidence to support their faith in them. At least nine-tenths of the phenomena can be set down as pure fraud and imposition. The evidence comes in the main from mediums who are ignorant, and whose tricks are clumsy in the extreme. Perhaps one-tenth of the manifestations are not the result of fraud but the evidence is entirely inadequate to prove the cause of the phenomena. It is possible that there are phenomena which no one can explain. But so far, there has not been a single documented case where such phenomena have been proven true under proper scientific investigation. Is it possible that any sort of proof could prove the existence of an individual after his decay? Suppose that some good fairy (no, not you), distressed at my unbelief, should come to me with the offer to produce any evidence that I desired to satisfy me that I would see my loved ones after death; suppose I should tell this fairy that my grandfather had been dead for five years; that I followed his lifeless body to the crematory where he was converted into ashes; that I desired to have him brought back to me as a living entity, and to stay in my house for a year, that I might know the truth. Assume that when the year had passed I should go out and tell my neighbors and friends that my grandfather had been living in my house, although he died over half a decade ago; suppose that they believed implicitly in my integrity and my judgment; even then, could I convince one person that my statement was true? Would they be right in doubting my word? After all, which is the more reasonable, that the dead have come back to life, or that I have become insane? All of my friends would say: "Poor guy, sorry he had to become such a whack job." Against the universal experience of mankind and nature, the dementia or the insanity of one man, or a thousand men, could count as nothing. I would imagine that the mental hospitals of the world are filled with people who have these dreams and visions which are realities to them, but which no one else believes, because they are entirely at variance with well-known facts. Deep down, I think everyone recognize the hopelessness of finding any evidence that the individual will persist beyond the grave. As a last resort, we are told that it is better that the doctrine be believed even if it is not true. We are assured that without this faith, life is only desolation and despair. However that may be, it remains that many of the conclusions of logic are not pleasant to contemplate; still, so long as we think and feel, at least some of us will use our faculties as best we can. And after all, is the belief in immortality necessary or even desirable? Millions of men and women have no such faith; they go on with their daily tasks and feel joy and sorrow without the lure of immortal life. The things that really affect the happiness of the individual are the matters of daily living. They are the companionship of friends, the fun times, the moments of inspiration. They are misunderstandings and cruel judgments, false friends and debts, poverty and disease. They are our joys in our living companions and our sorrows over those who die. Whatever our faith, we mainly live in the present -- in the here and now. Those who hold the view that man is mortal are never troubled by metaphysical problems. At the end of the day's labor we are glad to lose our consciousness in sleep; and intellectually, at least, we look forward to the long rest from the stresses and storms that are always incidental to existence. When we fully understand the brevity of life, its fleeting joys and unavoidable pains; when we accept the facts that all men and women are approaching an inevitable doom: the consciousness of it should make us more kindly and considerate of each other. This feeling should make men and women use their best efforts to help their fellow travelers on the road, to make the path brighter and easier as we journey on. It should bring a closer kinship, a better understanding, and a deeper sympathy for the wayfarers who must live a common life and die a common death. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
9:20 am	Soul Food, part 2 For those of you just tuning in, this is the second part of a really long train of thought on the existence of an ‘immortal soul.’ It will make a lot more sense if you read part one before jumping into this post. I welcome your comments and challenges. I tend to write stuff like this in order to force myself to elucidate where I stand on certain issues. If I can’t describe it, I figure I don’t have much of a basis for holding to what I say I believe. Comments often help me reconsider my views, or at least try to find ways to plug the gaps in my thinking. When proper evidence is presented, I am more than open to consider alternatives to my thinking. My outlook on life has changed a lot over the past year, so why should I stop now? I’m just trying to make sense out of this crazy world. Okay, now onto my post. To me, there seem to be two different views on “immortality.” On the one hand, there is a belief in the immortality of the "soul," the identity, the consciousness, the memory of the individual that persists even after death. On the other hand, many religious creeds formulated a belief in "the resurrection of the body" -- which is something else again. I’ll try to hit on both of those beliefs in turn. The idea of continued life after death is obviously very old. It doubtless had its roots back in the early days of life here on the big ball. In view of the limited knowledge of primitive man, it does not seem unreasonable that they thought the way they did. A person's dead friends and relatives visited him or her in dreams and were present in his or her feeling and imagination until they were forgotten. It was thought that a person was a dual being possessing a body and a soul as separate entities, and that when a person died, their soul was released from their body to continue its life apart. Consequently, food and drink were placed upon the graves of the dead to be used in the long journey into the unknown. In modified forms, this belief persists to the present day. But primitive man had no conception of life as having a beginning and an end. In this he was like the rest of the animals. Today, most everyone knows how life begins, and to examine the beginnings of life leads to inevitable conclusions about the way life ends. If man has a soul, it must creep in somewhere during the period of gestation and growth. All the higher forms of animal life grow from a single cell. Before the individual life can begin its development, it must be fertilized by union with another cell; then the cell divides and multiplies. At a certain regular time the being emerges into the world. During its life millions of cells in its body are born, die, and are replaced until, through age, disease, or some catastrophe, the cells fall apart and the individual life is ended. It seems obvious that but for the fertilization of the cell under right conditions, the being would not have lived. It is idle to say that the initial cell has a soul. In one sense it has life; but even that is precarious and depends for its continued life upon union with another cell of the proper kind. The human mother is the bearer of probably ten thousand of one kind of cell, and the human father of countless billions of the other kind. Only a very small fraction of these result in human life. If the unfertilized cells of the female and the unused cells of the male are human beings possessed of souls, then the population of the world is infinitely greater than has ever been dreamed. Of course no such idea as belief in the immortality of germ cells could satisfy the desires of the individual for a survival of life after death. If that which is called a "soul" is a separate entity apart from the body, when, then, and where and how was this soul placed inside it? The individual began with the union of two cells, neither of which had a soul. How could these two soulless cells produce a soul? We know that a baby may live and fully develop in its mother's womb and then, through some shock at birth, may be born without life. In the past, these babies were promptly buried. But now we know that in many such cases, where the bodily structure is complete, modern science can bring the child back to life. Then it will run like any other human body through its allotted term of years. We also know that in many cases of drowning, or when some mishap virtually destroys life without hopelessly impairing the body, artificial means may set it in motion once more, so that it will complete its term of existence until the final catastrophe comes. Are we to believe that somewhere around the stillborn child and somewhere in the vicinity of the drowned person there hovers a detached soul waiting to be summoned back into the body? The beginnings of life yield no evidence of the beginnings of a soul. It seems idle to say that something in the human being which we call "life" is the soul itself, for the soul is generally taken to distinguish human beings from other forms of life. There is life in all animals and plants, and at least potential life in inorganic matter. This potential life is simply unreleased force and matter -- the greatest storehouse from which all forms of life emerge and are constantly replenished. It is impossible to draw the line between inorganic matter and the simpler forms of plant life, and equally impossible to draw the line between plant life and animal life, or between other forms of animal life and what we human beings are pleased to call the highest form. If the thing which we call "life" is itself the soul, then cows have souls; and, in the very nature of things, we must allow souls to all forms of life and to inorganic matter as well. Life itself is something very real, as distinguished from the soul. Everyone knows that his or her life had a beginning. Can one imagine an organism that has a beginning and no end? If I did not exist in the infinite past, why should I, or could I, exist in the infinite future? "But," say some, "your consciousness, your memory may exist even after you are dead. This is what we mean by the soul." Let’s look at this point for a bit. I have no remembrance of the months I lay in my mother's womb. I cannot recall the day of my birth nor the time when I first opened my eyes to the light of day. I cannot remember when I was an infant, or when I began to creep on the floor, or when I was taught to walk, or anything before I was five of six years old. Still, all of these events were important, wonderful, and strange in a new life. What I call my "consciousness," for lack of a better word and a better understanding, developed with my growth and the crowding experiences I met at every turn. I have a hazy recollection of the death of my mom’s best friend. She died when I was seven. But I have no remembrance of the day Tonya Harding had Nancy Kerrigan clubbed in the leg, although I was 10 years old by then. I must have known about it at the time, for she was from Portland, the town in which I spent much of my growing up years. Why do I remember the death of my mom’s friend from three years earlier? Perhaps because I knew her personally. Possibly because it came to me as my first knowledge of death. In any case, it made so deep an impression that I can still recall it. "Ah, yes," say the believers in the soul, "What you say confirms our own belief. You certainly existed when these early experiences took place. You were conscious of them at the time, even though you are not aware of it now. In the same way, may not your consciousness persist after you die, even though you are not aware of that fact? On the contrary, my fading memory of the events that filled the early years of my life leads me to the opposite conclusion. So far as these incidents are concerned, the mind and consciousness of my mom’s friend are already dead. Even now, am I fully alive? I am only 21 and I am already forgetting things that took place in my childhood. My grandfather is seventy-one years old. He often fails to recall the names of some of those he knows full well. Many events do not make the lasting impression on him like they once did. In a few years, even if his body survives decay, fewer and fewer important matters will even register in his mind. That’s what happens with the elderly. We have all seen instances of how the physical life can persist beyond the time when the mind can fully function. I know that if I live to an extreme old age, my mind will fail. I shall eat and drink and go to my bed in an automatic way. Memory -- which is all that binds me to the past -- will already be dead. All that will remain will be a vegetative existence. I am sure that if I die of what is called "old age," my consciousness will gradually slip away with my failing emotions. I shall no more be aware of the near approach of final dissolution than is the dying tree. I am aware that now and then there are persons who preserve their faculties until a late period of their life. I also know that these cases are rare. There may be those who retain, in a measurable degree, consciousness and mental activity beyond the time of the ordinary person. Still, everyone with the least information knows that it is almost a universal rule that the body declines with age, and that those who live a long life gradually yield their intellectual activity until they reach the period of senility and unconsciousness. In primitive times, before men knew anything about the human body or the universe of which it is a part, it was not unreasonable to believe in spirits, ghosts, and the duality of man. For one thing, celestial geography was much simpler then. Just above the earth was a firmament in which the stars were set, and above the firmament was heaven. The place was easy of access and in dreams the angels were seen going up and coming down on a ladder. But now we have a slightly more adequate conception of space and the infinite universe of which we are so small a part. The Hubble Telescope has revealed countless worlds and planetary systems which make our own sink into utter insignificance in comparison. We have every reason to think that beyond our sight there is endless space filled with still more planets, so infinite in size and number that no brain has the smallest conception of their extent. Is there any reason to think that in this universe, with its myriads of worlds, there is no other life so important as our own? It is possible that the inhabitants of the earth have been singled out for special favor and endowed with souls and immortal life? Is it at all reasonable to suppose that any special account is taken of the human atoms that forever come and go upon this planet? If man has a soul that persists after death, that goes to a heaven of the blessed or to a hell of the damned, where are these places? It is not so easily imagined as it once was. How does the soul make its journey? What does immortal man find when he gets there, and how will he live after he reaches the end of endless space? We know that the atmosphere will be absent; that there will be no light, no heat -- only the infinite reaches of darkness and frigidity. If there is a future place for the abode of the spirits of the dead, where is this place? Trusting people have made pictures and mental images of this abode of the dead. In the Bible, Revelations speaks rather specifically of this far-off land. Trusting and confiding people have imagined in words, at least, a land where families would be reunited and neighbors and friends come together once more. In this smug little place, fashioned upon experiences of life upon this mundane sphere, husbands and wives, long parted, will be united. Parents and children, and grandparents and grandchildren, too, will assemble in families in that land of the blessed and the dead. These conceptions were formed early in the history of man; in fact, it has only been in recent years that we have had any knowledge or vision of the immensity of space and the impossibility of any such place as is imagined by the credulous and trusting. Please excuse my geekness for a moment, but we know now that the earth revolves upon its axis at a terrific speed. This motion makes a complete revolution in twenty-four hours. We know down to the second of time that no spot bears the same relation to space as it did before. If a man who dies at midnight has a soul and starts on his trip to Heaven, he goes in an opposite direction from one who dies at noon, and chances to meet under any circumstances which can be conceived would grow less as they traveled on. Besides this revolution on its axis, the earth is traveling at an inconceivable speed around the sun, which, at times, is about ninety-three million miles away. This complete journey is made once a year. In its orbit around the sun it travels more than a thousand miles a minute. This constant appalling speed would evidently add to the confusion of two mortals locating themselves in the same spot in space, even though they had souls. The atmosphere, even in its most attenuated form, does not reach over five hundred miles away from the earth, and for only a small fraction of that space could life as we conceive it exist. And when the earth leaves a given spot in space the atmosphere is carried along with it. In addition to the motion of the earth on its axis and its unthinkable speed in its circuit around the sun, the whole solar system is traveling around the pole star, accompanied no doubt by many other systems like our own; no one can tell how fast it goes or how far it goes, in what seems endless space. And these systems travel in turn around some other central point in the far-off Milky Way, and no one knows how many other apparently central points somewhere off amongst the stars and worlds and suns furnish foci around which the earth and all the systems constantly revolve. What possible means of locomotion could be furnished for mortals to find a place of rest, and what possible unimaginable guide could pilot individuals going in different directions at all times of the day and night and all portions of the year and century, and other greater periods of time, to this haven of the blessed? All of these conceptions beggar any sort of imagination and make and substitute the wildest unthinkable dreams in place of real beliefs. There are those who base their hope of a future life upon the resurrection of the body. This is a purely religious doctrine. It is safe to say that few intelligent men who are willing to look obvious facts in the face hold any such belief. Yet we are seriously told that Elijah was carried bodily to heaven in a chariot of fire, and that Jesus arose from the dead and ascended into heaven. The New Testament abounds in passages that support this doctrine. In the fifteenth chapter of first Corinthians Paul says: "If Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? ... and if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain.... For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised." The Apostles' Creed says: "I believe in the resurrection of the body." This has been carried into substantially all the orthodox creeds; and while it is more or less minimized by neglect and omission, it is still a cardinal doctrine of the orthodox churches. Two thousand years ago, in Palestine, little was known of man, of the earth, or of the universe. It was then currently believed that the earth was only four thousand years old, that life had begun anew after the deluge about two thousand years before, and that the entire earth was soon to be destroyed. Today it is fairly well established that man has been upon the earth for a million years. During that long stretch of time the world has changed many times; it is changing every moment. Multiple ice ages have swept across continents, driving death before them, carrying human beings into the sea or burying them deep in the earth. Animals have fed on man and on each other. Every dead body, no matter whether consumed by fire or buried in the earth, has been resolved into its elements, so that the matter and energy that once formed human beings has fed animals and plants and other men. Thus the body of every man now living is in part made from the bodies of those who have been dead for ages. Yet we are still asked to believe in the resurrection of the body. By what alchemy, then, are the individual bodies that have successfully fed the generations of men to be separated and restored to their former identities? And if I am to be resurrected, what particular I shall be called from the grave, from the animals and plants and the bodies of other men who shall inherit this body I now call my own? My body has been made over and over, piece by piece, as the days went by, and will continue to be so made until the end. It has changed so slowly that each new cell is fitted into the living part, and will go on changing until the final crisis comes. Is it the child in the mother's womb or the tottering frame of the old man that shall be brought back? The mere thought of such a resurrection buggars reason, ignores facts, and enthrones blind faith, wild dreams, hopeless hopes, and cowardly fears as ruler of the human mind. Wow, this is getting long again. I’ll save the next part for tomorrow. But does my argument, as presented, make sense so far? (20 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
9:08 am	Soul Food, part 1 Last night I had a fun little discussion with wewearthemask regarding the concept of the soul. I thought I would try to expand upon my thoughts a bit here, and as this post got a little long, I guess I will continue it over the next few days. People seem to tend to believe what they want to believe. To me, there is, perhaps, no more striking example of this than the widespread belief in immortality. This idea includes not only the belief that death is not the end of what we call life, but that personal identity involving memory persists beyond the grave. The average person seems so determined to hold fast to this belief that, as a rule, he refuses to read or think upon the subject lest it cast doubt upon his cherished dream. Of those who may chance to investigate this, many will do so with the determination not to be convinced, and will refuse to even consider the myriad of reasons that might weaken their faith. I see this as true, because I too was very reluctant to approach the subject and even then it was with an eye toward proving it true, not looking at the evidence that it might be false. It’s kind of like people who want Jonathan Edwards to be a real psychic, they ignore the evidence that clearly shows him to be a stage show hack that preys upon those willing to be deceived and instead see him as someone with a true gift – because that’s what they WANT him to be. Even many of those who claim to believe in immortality still tell themselves and others that neither side of the question is susceptible to proof. So what do they believe that the word "proof" involves? The evidence against the persistence of personal consciousness is as strong as the evidence of gravitation, and much more obvious. If it is not certain that death ends personal identity and memory, then almost nothing that man accepts as true is susceptible to proof. So many of our beliefs are relics of the past. Without careful examination no one can begin to understand how many of our cherished opinions have no foundation in fact. The common experience of all mankind should teach us how easy it is to believe, what we wish to accept. In psychology class I was taught that if a therapist wants to convince someone of some idea, they must first make that person want to believe it. There are so many hopes, so many strong yearnings and desires attached to the doctrine of immortality that it is practically impossible to create in anyone’s head the wish to be mortal. Still, in spite of strong desires, millions of people are filled with doubts and fears that will not go away. After all, is it not better to look the question squarely in the face and find out whether we are harboring a delusion? So let’s say someone believes if immortality. What is meant by the word "belief?" If I take a bus in Seattle at noon, bound for Portland, I believe I will reach that city by late afternoon that same day (okay, so busses are gross, just bear with me). I believe it because I have been to Portland, often, I have read about the city, I have known many other people who have been there and many others who currently live there, and their stories are not inconsistent with any known facts in my own experience. I have even examined the bus schedules and I know just how I will go and how long the trip will take. In other words, when I board the bus for Portland, I believe I will reach that city because I have reason to believe it. If, instead, I wanted to see Timbuktu or some other point on the globe where I had never been, or of which I had only heard, I still know something about geography, and if I did not I could find out about the place I wished to visit. Through the encyclopedia and other means of information, I could get a fair idea of the location and character of the country or city, the kind of people who lived there and almost anything I wished to know, including the means of transportation and the time it would take to go and return. I already am satisfied that the earth is round, and I know about its size. I know the extent of its land and water. I know the names of its countries. I know perfectly well that there are many places on its surface that I have never seen. I can easily satisfy myself as to whether there is any such place and how to get there, and what I shall do when I arrive. But if I am told that next week I shall start on a trip to Penisville; that I shall not take my body with me; that I shall stay for all eternity: can I find a single fact connected with my journey -- the way I shall go, the time of the journey, the country I shall reach, its location in space, the way I shall live there -- or anything that would lead to a rational belief that I shall really make the trip? Have I ever known anyone who has made the journey and returned? If I am really to believe, I must try to get some information about all these important facts. Well, one might say, what about all those people with near death experiences that have been said to see a bright light or to have left their body and seen themselves on the operating table from above? Once again, we want to believe that. Science, on the other hand, has already explained that away for those who care to look even cursorily at the evidence. NASA even found that when their astronauts in training were put through centrifugal force tests that many of them had these same experiences right before blacking out. With this REPLICABLE information, they found that this phenomenon is just the body switching to a dreamlike state once the blood and oxygen start to leave the brain. It is a coping mechanism. We dream. Some may dream of white lights or their soul leaving their body, others may dream that they are being chased by a giant chocolate bar, but that’s all it is, a realistic dream. But I digress. People seem hesitant to ask questions about life after death. They do not ask, for they know that only silence returns. If people really believed in a beautiful, happy, glorious land waiting to receive them when they died; if they believed that their friends would be waiting to meet them; if they believed that all pain and suffering would be left behind: why should they live through weeks, months, and even years of pain and torture while a cancer eats its way to the vital parts of the body? Why should one fight off death? Because he does not believe in any real sense; he only hopes. Everyone knows that there is no real evidence of any such state of bliss; so we are told not to search for proof. We are to accept through faith alone. But every thinking person knows that faith can only come through belief. Belief implies a condition of mind that accepts a certain idea. This condition can be brought about only by evidence. True, the evidence may be simply the unsupported statement of your grandmother; it may be wholly insufficient for reasoning persons; but, good or bad, it must be enough for the believer or he could not believe. Upon what evidence, then, are we asked to believe in immortality? There is no evidence. One is told to rely on faith, and no doubt this serves the purpose so long as one can believe blindly whatever he is told. But if there is no evidence upon which to build a positive belief in immortality, let us examine the other side of the question. Perhaps evidence can be found to support a positive conviction that immortality is a delusion. I will get into that next time. Are you open to it? The truth is out there. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
11:42 am	Dancing Through Life A friend of mine found my live journal online yesterday and called to say "So, I read your live journal...who the fuck is that guy?" I had to laugh a bit. To many, I come across as just your average vapid clubkid. They expect me to only know about fashion, house music, bar gossip, who slept with who, and where the next cool party will be. Don't get me wrong, I am the self-proclaimed queen of ALL of those, but I often downplay the fact that I have an inner life that goes much beyond all that. I guess it goes back to high school. I was always the kind of guy who got straight A's without much effort. Learning comes easy to me. I even aced the SAT's. But I don't say that to brag. For the most part I am a bit self-conscious about being a bit of a closet smart guy/nerd. Many people just see me as another dancing fool at Neighbors, etc. (just not this month). There are only a few friends in my life that appreciate deep conversation, and I cherish them. Most prefer life on the surface, but then again, life on the surface can be a lot of fun sometimes. You go Fyero! My friend also mentioned that he thought that from my recent posts, I should have majored in philosophy. Well, I considered that a year or so ago, but I think what swayed me away was the whole fact that although people in philosophy may have a greater understanding of the "whys" of life, for the most part they are a dull and often somber bunch. Shouldn't learning the mysteries of life be liberating and lead to an incomparable exuberance? I guess not. It seems to produce boring intellectuals who like to use big words. Not always, but yeah, often. So, no, that's not the life for me. Neither is business with all the pent up corporate drones with matching haircuts and poor fashion sense it produces. I think I will stick with writing and art. Besides, the people are SO much cooler and I will always be able to find someone to go thrift store shopping with me. They tend to 'suck the marrow out of life'. I'll buy that for a dollar! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
1:12 pm	Two Week Anniversary Tonight it will have been 2 weeks since my accident. Since that time, I have left my apartment three times, once to meet with a doctor, once to hire an attorney, and once for my surgery. Other than that I have pretty much been lying in bed with my foot elevated (plus the occasional trip to the bathroom). Luckily, I have friends that are willing to stop by and alleviate the boredom. Michael, Travis, and Shane have been taking turns helping me out with the more routine duties of life (for which I can't thank them enough), and my family has helped out quite a bit as well. Hopefully, I will be able to get out some this week, albeit in a wheelchair. My minor injuries are healing well and much of the bruising is disappearing. The pain is more and more manageable, except for the occasions that I overly move my fractured ankle. I go back in another week to see my surgeon again and may possibly get some of my stitches out and maybe a more comfortable casting. My mood remains upbeat...no sense in crying over spilled milk. As I was typing the above paragraph, I started thinking about the accident itself. I remember clearly the thought that was going through my mind right after the impact. As I collided with front corner of the chick’s oncoming car, I felt myself being thrown from my scooter as it folded under the impact. I struck the handlebars with my ribcage and my legs smashed against the steering column as I was projected off the scooter, and over the front of her car. As I felt the pain in my body, I knew that when I landed, be it in the street or on the grill of another oncoming vehicle, I was about to die. Oddly, the thought that ran through my head was not a last minute prayer to god, nor did my life flash before my eyes, I did not feel a sorrow for the loss this would be for my family and friends, I did not worry about what would happen to all my things, or even my dog, all I thought was “Hmm, so, I am about to die. Oh well.” Well, obviously I didn’t die, I just broke a lot. But how strange? It was almost like at what I perceived as my last moment of existence was a calmness. Like I understood that there was nothing I could do (which there wasn’t), so “oh well.” Don’t get me wrong I like my life. I have never been the suicidal type even as a teen. I just thought it odd that I was so open to just let fate have its way. No guilt. No worries. When the inevitable comes, there is nothing we can do. It just comes, and for the rest of the world, life goes on. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 26th, 2005
8:40 pm	Thirdness Okay, well my last two entries have generated some very interesting discussions. Those have been fun, and mentally challenging. I like that. For some odd reason they seemed to spark another train of thought in me as well. Growing up a fundamentalist, I was repeatedly taught the concept of 'thirdness'. It went something like this, in life we should always strive to put god first, others second, and our own needs, desires, and happiness third. Well, I don't worship a god any longer, but for the longest time I held to the notion that putting my own personal happiness in front of that of other people was selfish, and of course, selfishness is bad, m'kay. But is it? Is not everyone selfishly seeking happiness, even if they seek it through contributing to the needs of others to make themselves happy? What if everyone was totally unselfish, would that make this a better world? Wouldn't sacrificing our own happiness for the happiness of others make everything better? I like to think of happiness as a cookie. If I eat the 'happiness cookie', I am being selfish, so I should deny my own happiness and give my cookie to someone else. But then what are they to do with it? They can't eat it either. That would be selfish. So they have to deny their happiness and give the cookie away once again. This would have to continue forever, or until some selfish bastard took the cookie for himself, ate it, and basked in my happiness. Fucker. So maybe a world where everyone eats their own cookie might be better. I am first, others are second, and god, well she can get her own damn cookie. Would this work? (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
7:04 pm	So what? So, I grew up hearing all about thing like spiritual gifts, grand designs, purpose in life, being true to your self, finding your greatness, living a meaningful life, and all of the other standard platitudes. Strangely, my take on these has had a similar pattern of development to the one I experienced with religion (and many of my beliefs on these issues have been strongly influenced by my religious upbringing). I got more and more involved in religion, held the beliefs more and more deeply, until finally, I begin to see the nonsense of it all and left it behind. What does it mean if none of the above platitudes hold any validity? What if we haven't been given special talents for making the world a better place? What if there is no grand design or god-given purpose to life? What if there is no such thing as a single 'self' to be true to? What if no one really has an undiscovered 'greatness.' What if life has no meaning? What makes us come to the conclusion that any of the above platitudes hold any truth? If this is really the way life is, what does that mean? What should my life be about? Does it matter? Is significance really important? Is there anything more than just living a happy existence while we can? If that's it, what does that mean for how one should act? (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
10:11 am	Self Well, I'm not sure what to write today. I'm tired of writing about my predicament, so I guess I will just babble until something comes out. It's almost like I'm a different person right now. The Chris that walks to the gym, goes dancing, has wild sex with hot boys (I wish), drives, etc. seems almost like another person since I cannot perform any of those activities right now. It feels kinda like I feel when I think back about my days as a devout fundamentalist Christian. I can't imagine myself as the same person as I was back then. That guy seems like a wholly different person...just as 'mobile Chris' does right now. This again shows that the concept of the 'self' is situation specific. The issue of 'self' has trouybled me for a while now. A one true self, the essence of Chris, is a concept that no longer makes sense. We each seem to have a myriad of selves. There are major changes to life events that shape the current self as above, but there are also just many selves co-existing at the same time. I behave one way while working (a work self), another way while around gay people, another way around my straight friends, another way around my old high school friends, another way around my artsy friends, another way around my family, another way when involved in political/social action, etc... All of these are me. I am not acting against my true self when I change the way I behave, be it ever so slightly, and I would not be being truer to myself by never changing. Each of us has as many selves as we have social interactions. Some of our selves can even contradict each other. Trying to find a true self is an exercise in futility. There is no reason why we should think one exists. People didn't even think about the concept of the self or "individualism" until the 1950's. I guess this is another example of where my religious upbringing has influenced my thought even long after I no longer embraced it. To religion, the concept of the 'soul' and the self become intertwined as do the 'unique gifts that god has given each of us to make the world a better place.' It sounds great, but it just doesn't follow. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
11:42 am	It's never for nothing Let's see, I had my surgery on Thursday morning as scheduled. I showed up at the orthopedic surgery place at 6 am, they had me out cold by 7 am and by 9 am they were waking me up to get me ready to go home. I was back in my own bed by 11 am. The metal pin they drilled into my ankle hurt a lot all day, in fact by nightfall it was almost unbearable even with painkillers. My wrist was so numbed up, that I couldn't feel or move my entire arm at all until late evening, even the muscles. At one point I lifted up my right arm to pull the covers up under it and when I let go to grab the sheets it ended up plumetting like a dead weight...right into my forhead. Those big ass casts hurt! I'm just glad no one else saw it. As the numbness wore off, the pain started up, but surprisingly, my ankle was still worse, even though my wrist now has multiple screws and a metal plate inside it. The pain has lessened over time and is pretty manageable today. The doctor says my leg will probably take 6-8 weeks to mend while my arm will take 6-9 months, including physical therapy, to get as good as it will get (they still don't know if it will ever get back to 100%). It seems like I take my friends too much for granted normally. So many people have gone out of their way to help me out, or at least genuinely offer, since my accident. I should be much more grateful of the friends I have. It is easy for me, when things are going well, to become so absorbed in my own little world that I don't invest much into the lives of the other people out there who care about me or to even let them know that I care about them in return. (4 Comments |Comment on this)